


The Curious case of the hole in the wall....and the hysterical after-affects.

by Gothicsouthpaw30



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Hobbit-JRR Tolkien
Genre: Alfrid is a douche, Bofur is awesome, Gen, I had to do it!, Movie based, Multi, The Hobbit - Freeform, Thorin is amused, classic comedy scene, porky's
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-11
Updated: 2014-04-11
Packaged: 2018-01-18 23:26:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1446799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gothicsouthpaw30/pseuds/Gothicsouthpaw30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Here's the link to the scene from one of my favorite films of all time:</p><p>http://youtu.be/75yAH9hWrZ0</p><p>I thought I'd lighten the mood of my page...please forgive in errors as I'm quite tired and hitting the hay now!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Curious case of the hole in the wall....and the hysterical after-affects.

“We have…enjoyed keeping you within our company-eh-the people of Lake Town. But such gross displays of…public lewdness can not possibly be tolerated! Surely you understand this!”

Thorin, stiff backed, and wide-eyed could only nod slowly before looking over to Balin, Dwalin, and Bofur.

Each them offered perplexed expressions and odd gestures, yet all remained silent, as moneybags and his assistant, Alfrid, waited for Thorin to speak.

“Could you…I-I have only heard so much,” Thorin confessed, “I do hate to ask but what…public lewdness are you talking about?”

moneybags sighed, gestured to Alfrid, and lowed his head as if suddenly very uncomfortable.

“Earlier this evening,” Alfrid explained slowly, “While some of your company were taking advantage of the invitation to our local bath house, one of them committed a heinous act that frightened several of the female customers in the next room.”

“Which would explain why I was told they came running and screaming outside,” Thorin observed as he scratched at his beard, “naked.”

The other three dwarves, stirred, snickered for a few moments, and seemed desperate to take their leave.

“Despite the immature snickers of some,” moneybags sighed, “This is a very serious and-and unfunny matter!”

“True!” Thorin agreed holding his hands up, “But I still haven’t been told exactly what was done. I understand that these three weren’t even in the bathhouse at the time!”

“Ach! No!” Balin concurred, “We-Dwalin and I-were headed that way and Bofur…what were ye doing?”

Sucking in some air, taking a moment, Bofur answered quite bashfully: “One those naked women knocked me over and I took a moment because I got the air knocked outta me. She was a big lass.”

Dwalin, rubbing his knuckles against his tight-lipped mouth, looked up at the ceiling while Balin offered a friendly nod to moneybags whose eyes had gone wide.

“Is that the public lewdness you’re talking about?” Thorin inquired after clearing his throat; “You think those in my company caused it to happen?”

“We know they did!” Alfrid snapped, “Ever since they’ve been here they’ve been most rude! Causing food fights! Physical fights! There are reports of theft and just last night it was reported that this one accosted one of the town guards!”

“Hey now!” Bofur countered with a wave of his finger, “I was just playing and had him in nothin’ more than a friendly head lock!”

When Thorin gawked at him, the toy maker shrugged, and explained: “I was bit tipsy…but so was he!”

“Please!” Balin stammered, “It’s true some of our young and more…impulsive lot have caused some commotion…yet I fail to see how they could have caused such a humiliating-and frightening-event to a occur. We dwarves are very courteous towards females.”

“Yes,” Thorin added, “There most have been some kind of misunderstanding.”

“There was no misunderstanding, your highness,” Alfrid replied snidely, “One of our poor women, that you claim that you would never offend, reported that from the next room one of your company disrobed and…exposed himself through a hole in the wall!”

Bofur flinched and bowed his head as he squirmed in his seat, while Balin began to fiddle with his beard absently, and Dwalin continued looking up at the ceiling as though he was very interested in the planks of wood above him.

“Exposed?” Thorin asked softly, leaning his hands upon the desk that Money Bags sat behind, “You…you mean to say that-someone-uh…that the other patrons of the bathhouse saw someone…”

Thorin mimicked some actions; much to the amusement of his fellow dwarves, and when Alfrid nodded curtly, the side of the dwarf prince’s mouth twitched and studied his clasped hands before him.

“That’s interesting,” Thorin confessed, “But…how do you know it was a dwarf?”

“Aye!” Bofur agreed, “What? ‘ave ye seen many…Dwarven appendages in yer time boy-o?”

“I’ll have you know that the manager reported having rented that room to at least four dwarves! And only a small penis could fit through such a tiny hole!”

“Alfrid!” The master of Lake Town spat.

“Hey! Men have tiny…thingy’s too!” Bofur countered.

“Oh for the love of…” Thorin mumbled as he buried his face in one large hand, “I don’t want to do this!”

“Quite right!” The Master agreed, “So let’s all just…calm down and, Alfrid, I must say that a-uh-certain body part, regardless of size, doesn’t point a direct finger at them. The dwarves I mean.”

Alfrid sighed while Bofur began to suck on the tip of his moustache and Thorin looked desperately at Balin whom only conveyed a subtle expression of utter bemusement.

“Ye know,” Dwalin sighed, his eyes still pinned to the ceiling, “I think it would be better served if I left. I mean…I dunno why I’m here!”

“We’ll be done in a moment,” The Master explained, “It’s just a matter of…hm? What was that Alfrid?”

“A mole,” Alfrid explained flatly, “there was a mole.”

Dwalin snickered and slapped his hand over his mouth while his brother gaped and shook his head wildly in disbelief.

“Oh…could have been a rat,” Money Bags argued with a wave of his hand, “We’ve a problem with them!”

“No!” Alfrid whined, “I mean it had a mole…on it. You know, a mole? Just there!”

When he pointed his finger, Thorin moaned and muttered impatiently, and the rest of the dwarves struggled to contain their laughter and all averted their eyes where they could.

“Alfrid,” moneybags asked as he looked over his shoulder, “How…how would you know that?”

“Because I was there!” Alfrid declared, “Walking along and minding my business and when all those poor women came running out! So I went in and Whoever it was-and it was a dwarf-was still enjoying his little jest and-and chirping like a bird!”  
“A bird?” Thorin inquired, “you mean…whistling?”

“No I mean chirping!” Alfrid snapped, “I got close enough to grab it but he got away!”

“Dear lord!” The master gaped, “You grabbed it?”

“Yes! Of course!” Alfrid defended, “I was going to hold onto him until the guard got there but he slipped away and I don’t think we should let who ever is responsible slip through our fingers again!”

Bofur snorted and slouched in his chair and Thorin’s face grew beet red, just as the two brothers standing beside he and Bofur, squeezed their eyes shut tight and leaned against each other for support.

“SO!” Thorin bellowed, his mouth twitching oddly, “what…what is that you want? Surely, Master, you wouldn’t think to throw us in jail! The town folk might not take too kindly too that.”

“We can’t just let that little pervert get away with it!” Alfrid explained shrilly, “I don’t care about some willy-nilly prophecy! We’ve got the law to consider!”

“Yes! Of course we do!” Moneybags agreed, “But this is a delicate matter-Bofur sniggered and slouched lower in his chair-what would you suggest, Alfrid?”

Alfrid rubbed a finger over his bushy, connected eyebrows for a moment before finally announcing triumphantly: “A line up!”

“A…a line up?” Thorin questioned as Bofur could hardly contain him self and he at last did the same as Dwalin and stared up at the ceiling.

Balin was now biting his fist while Dwalin had gone to stare out of a nearby window. His face and baldhead as red as Thorin’s own face.

“Four-Five dwarves in a line up!” Alfrid pressed, “In the nude!”

“What?” Thorin asked as he leaned back into his chair and inclined his head, “You want them naked so you can…so you can see there-uh-their…um…p-p-pen…their little spears?”

Balin bit deep into his fist and Bofur removed his hat and began to study it intensely while Dwalin had leaned his forehead against the glass of the window as he took several slow and deep breaths.

“May we call it a little spear?” Thorin asked softly, “Pen-uh-p-ooh! The other word is so personal1”

“Call it whatever you like!” Alfrid spat, “It’s got to be done!”

“Look here!” Moneybags said with a sigh, “I appreciate the severity of the situation Alfrid, as I’m sure Thorin does as well, but…can you imagine what the public might think if I allowed such a thing? Not to mention how it could possibly cause future animosity between us and these good and brave dwarves…going back under the mountain to get back all that lovely treasure?”

“Hoods!” Alfrid asserted, “They can where hoods over their head to avoid humiliation!”

Just as Thorin and the Master both set themselves to argue, Bofur held up a single finger, and announced: “I think I have a solution to all ‘o this. One that would spare us any humiliation or trouble.”

“By all means,” the Master urged, though Thorin was casting Bofur a suspicious expression while Balin and Dwalin seemed to recover their mature and stoic demeanors.

“Well,” Bofur sighed as he placed his hat back on his head, “We-um-w-we send fer Ori and…and he can draw up a picture!!”

Dwalin punched the wall suddenly and sniggered loudly; “Damn you Bofur!” He spat, though his grin was wide and sincere. 

Balin bent over, his hands on his knees, and Thorin kicked his foot against the Master’s desk and covered his face as he slouched in his own chair with his shoulders trembling.

“It quite clever,” Bofur explained with a whine, “Alfrid can give a description!”

Bofur, losing all composure slid out his chair and onto his back, laughing as he went on: “Yer children can put wanted posters all o’er town!

‘Have ye seen this wonderful and-and majestic Dwarven prick! Ha! Ha! Ha! If ye have don’t try to apprehend it as it is considered dangerous and is reported to have put out a few eyes! IT-IT-WAS LAST SCENE HANGING OUT IN THE BATH HOUSE LOCATED AT THE CENTER OF THE CITY ESGAROTH!”

Thorin was the last to succumb and he burst out in laughter, slapping the Master’s desk wildly, just as Alfrid huffed and stomped from his employer’s office.

“I must confess,” the Master sighed, “That that went well I think!”

***************************************************************************************************************************

“What happened to them?” Bilbo asked Thorin as he watched Balin and Dwalin and Bofur limp inside their lodgings, “Are they hurt?”

“No,” Thorin explained with a smirk, “They’ve just been laughing a bit too hard.”

Bilbo cast the dwarf prince a quizzical look but Thorin only shrugged and said: “You don’t want to know. Tell me, is Fili inside?’

Bilbo nodded, “He got back with Kili and the other’s a few hours ago,” He answered, “They're up in their room.”

“Very good,” Thorin chuckled, much to Bilbo’s curiosity, “I need to discuss an incriminating mole with him at present!”


End file.
